I'm a mess. I'm done with Korea for a while. It's amazing that just when I think that I'm getting my act together - this last trip to Korea has emotionally exhausted. cHubby's worn down, I can't stop crying, and I can't keep doing this to myself.

On December 26th at 4:30 AM, we got into a car accident on our way to visit my brother. I've been in several car accidents before but this was the most serious. I was sitting in the middle back seat and I was thrown around. My father hit a patch of ice and the car slid out of control. I sprained my knee and fractured my skull. We were admitted into the hospital while I had an MRI and CT scan. Everyone is okay but my father, step mom, and sister also fractured some some bones. cHubby amazingly walked out the accident without a couple of cuts and a bruised knee. Thank God that he was with me because I don't know what I would have done without him. He was the stable person in the family - the one to help feed and clothe us. The stress from the accident and spending time with my family has made me realize that I need to take a break from them.

For the last 5 years, I feel that I've been trying to earn a place in father's life. Maybe I'm just trying too hard. The last couple of times that we've spent with my family, I've just realised how different we are and that no matter how hard I try I don't think that my father understands how difficult it is for me. He doesn't recognize the fact that all I've been trying to do is make up time for the father that I've never had. I find my siblings completely awful and spoiled; yet to me they unknowingly and unintentionally always receive his love and devotion. The unconditional love and devotion that I've been begging for these last 5 years. I'm selfish, I know because I want my father all to myself but I'm come to realize that he'll never do that for me. Even when we first met in 2004, a moment that I believe should have been shared between the two of us - my sister was there. And now that I find both of my siblings rude and intolerable (not only to myself but to cHubby too)....it's just to much to bear.

I told my father this last time that I'm not going to come back to Korea until I feel better about the situation. I may be overwhelmed with stress and emotions from the accident but I'm hurt. I'm hurt beyond reason. I'm hurt because I've tried so hard for the last 5 years to make it work that I was almost fooling myself that I was part of his life. But I'm not and I'm not sure if I ever will be.