Life is so distant. I find myself having a really hard time. I'm still struggling with accident and I found out that my grandmother in Minnesota has stage 2 lung cancer. She'll be 88 in March; her body can't take surgery and she won't do chemo. It's been a difficult year for me. Even with the split from my a-family, I always kept in contact with my grandma. Because I don't have a lot of my adoptive family to turn to and she was the person that I trusted. I didn't have a father to give me down the aisle or have beaming parents to be proud to give their daughter away when I got married. So when we had to get married in the Catholic church, I asked my grandma to stand as my witness.

I always thought that she would live to be 104 like her mother. I don't know how to say goodbye. cHubby and I decided that I have to go home as soon as possible. Hopefully within the month. I'm not the type to be afraid of death but being so far away, I would be devastated if I didn't go home to see her while she was still well.

I recieved some sort of invite from my dad from his Korean email account but I wouldn't really consider it communication. I want to call and see if he is doing well from the accident but I have to stay strong. I'm the one who needs the break from the lack of commitment from him. I won't let myself call. He needs to call me. I need to know that he wants to make an effort. I was hurt from the accident too so why can't he call me? He calls his girlfriend everytime he gets into the car. He takes him to call her so why can't he take the time to call me. He checks up on my little sister and makes sure that she's okay. I'm got to stop thinking about it and move on. It just keeps hurting me.

We got into an argument with our friends down here. They've decided that they don't want to be our friends anymore. cHubby thinks that it is for the best because obviously they weren't true friends to begin with. We had dinner plans at Tetsuya's at the first weekend of the month but I had to cancel because I was too tired from the accident and I wasn't up for any small talk. So we resceduled for this weekend, but cHubby found out that my friend decided to invite someone that he dislikes. And he decided to back out of dinner - which caused several other people to cancel for the same reason - so she's mad at me and stopped talking to us. It doesn't feel good to lose a friend (and it really doesn't feel to lose a friend over something so petty). But honestly I've got bigger things to worry about and it is her choice to stop being friends with me. It hurts because I'm left with uncertainty and not really sure what I did wrong. I don't have a lot of friends down here (or a lot of friends in general). cHubby doesn't really understand why I would even want someone like her as a friend but maybe guys are different. I don't speak to my only childhoon friend anymore and I think that it's sad but people move on and so do I.

With all of the stress, I haven't been well physically and emotionally.