19 June, 2016

He asked for a DIVORCE



I had to type this letter out because more was said in therapy this last time.  I needed to collect my thoughts in a more rationale manner:

Asking for a divorce was a shock to me (and perhaps to Geneva).  I think that it symbolizes the very problem with our marriage.  We struggled to communicate and understand what the other person was saying.  I don’t want to attack you but both Geneva and I were confused – I often felt that when we argued, you got even angrier at me for not understanding what you meant and ultimately you.

This is why after so many times of arguing with you, I felt that I had to shut down.  You would say or do something that completely contradicted something else.  This is why I keep asking for mediated conversations now; I don’t know what to do or how to respond to you anymore. It’s different now.  We can’t keep repeating the same patterns because the underlying problems still exist.  We hit this roadblock by both of us.  It was me that asked for counseling together before you left in March - it was scheduled because I knew that we couldn’t keep living like this.  After you walked out the door, I felt that you made the decision that counselingwas never going to help. We’ve never had counseling before and asking for a divorce and walking away is the easier answer for you.  To be honest, I can’t believe that I have meant so little to you in your life.  The path of least resistance is the easiest.  I don’t to live an unhappy life either but I loved you enough to want to help.

You may never understand why I did/do certain things because I wanted better for you and your life.  You needed to leave me and that’s why I didn’t stop you from walking out the door.  When you left, the easier option for me was to jump on a plane back home.  But I stayed.  While, our marriage may not work out – I stayed because I wanted the best for you.  I want you to be able to work through your issues so that you can live a better life.  I think that you need professional help because I can't help you.  When I read your letter, I still feel sadness that you aren’t happy still and I’m sorry.

I feel like you live in a world of anger and secrets.  Letting secrets fester inside of you for years and letting you live in the world of secrets is easier for you but you will never be happy if you continually hide. Perhaps, I do not know how much hurt and secrecy you have hid from me over the last 13 years.  In the span of our marriage and perhaps your life, you have done the same thing over and over - ignored the problem.  Expecting a different result from yourself, me or from your family is the definition of insanity.  Did you think that anything would get better by doing the same thing over and over again? 

I am saddened by your anger and coldness.  I wished that you would have communicated with me earlier because I do not know what has been driving this deep resentment.  Your anger towards me is evident.  I feel like you blame me for everything that it wrong with your life.  In the last session, it was clear that you do not think highly of me or my relationships.  Pointing the finger at me and telling me that my relationships fail, is not the case.  I have some wonderful people in my life whom have been supportive and love me.  I can’t help but parallel this comment to the one that you mother made about me when you told her about our separation – guilt for not liking her.  Like her, you feel ashamed of me and want to shift the blame to me.

People come and go in our lives - just because certain people aren’t in my life anymore does not mean that my relationships fail.  It’s a part of relationships and that people change.  Telling me that you do not have any friends because I can’t get along with anyone or that people don’t like me is again something that your family would say about me.  I’m sorry that you feel that way but I know better than that.  If not by you, I know that I loved and cared for my many people in my life.

You kept saying that it was never going to work because of our problems, I don't know what the deeper problems of our marriage were.  What I do know is that I'm sorry that you hid that hurt and pain from me for 13 years.  It makes me feel sad that you never felt the strength or courage with me to share your past.  All of this anger towards me might help you feel better if you told me what was wrong.  Some secrets are okay but letting them fester inside of you is damaging to yourself – I was your wife and best friend, I'm sorry because you should have been able to talk to me.

There is a part of me that pretended for you.  I don’t have to do that anymore.  The incessant trying to be perfect for the neighbors is not healthy.  Martial rejection only lasts 12 years, you can find another partner.  Family rejection has lasted your lifetime.  I know that you angry at me for pointing out that your family is not perfect.  Relationships are not perfect and utopian families do not exist.  But it is not okay to not protect your children by pedophiles - I don't care if they are relatives or what the bloody neighbors think.  I don't know if you could ever relate to how much this upset me.  It was okay for you to hate my abusive family but it was not okay for me to recognize the abuse that your family has caused you.  I'm sorry that your family thinks sexual and emotional abuse is okay.

The picture that you drew in your last letter demonstrated that it is clear that you do not want me in your life.  You have pitted me against your family and if this was the case, then why did you ask me to move back?  There was never any support from you to work with your family together.  I was your wife and you could have rested your hand on my shoulder as a sign of support while feeling caught in the middle.  I never asked you to choose - this binary exists because of you.  This is not an attack but my observation of our relationship with your family over the last 13 years.  Your parents raised you to be the man that I fell in love with and I have always been thankful for that.  I’m sorry that your father is ill and I have always cared about them because I cared about you.

I do think that your therapist is right and that you have a dependency problem.  I think that it would be helpful if you sought out CD treatment.  I also think that you might be having some signs of mental instability or mixed affective state.  This is why I asked if you were gay, I feel that you were living a lie with me.  You have hid so much from me and your family.  In seeking treatment, I want you to be able to find what you want out of life.

I don't know exactly how I am feeling – confused, unloved, and lost.  Sometimes, I wish that this would all go away – that we would have stayed in Sydney and pretended that life in Minnesota didn’t exist or moved to Hawaii like we used to talk about.  But we made the decision to come back together so here we are.  Your comment about moving on is right.  But I guess that I need to sort out the present and understand our past in order to think about my future.

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