28 June, 2016

Love and Forgiveness - Ready for a Divorce



I’m sorry that I’ve caused you so much anger and that I was not someone that you felt you could be yourself with.  I’m happy that you are now finding your voice but I’m sad because I feel that I don’t know you.

I’m saddened by your hurt and the hurt that you wish upon me.  There will always be a special place for you in my heart even though we will not be part of each other’s lives anymore.  I never thought that we would come to this – losing my best friend and someone I thought would always love me.  It is clear that we cannot be friends.  Friends love each other for you are – imperfections and all.  Misunderstandings, conflict and forgiveness are a part of love.  Your last letter made it very clear that you have not forgiven me.

When we would fight, I shut down because I’m afraid that I don’t know how to control my anger.  I’m sorry that you find me manipulative.  Maybe I am...but what I often feared the most is myself.  Saying things that I couldn’t take back or using physical violence.  I know that I don’t have best skills for conflict.  You are right, we haven't talked about me in therapy.  When we went to Therapist 1, I waited and waited and waited to hear from you.  I was willing to give it six months and I never heard from you but I still stayed.  Not a day went by that I didn't think of you or wanted to say something to you about what was going on.  I wanted to give you your space and it was clear you needed your space.  It was me that contacted Therapist 2 after Therapist 1 said that you were not interested in including me in your counseling, I'm sorry for doing this and trying to control your life.  I understand now that you didn't want me in counseling because you wanted a divorce and didn't know how to tell me.  I guess that I felt that I was working through my ambivalence and I wanted to work on it with you.  In my mind, I felt that we made that commitment with Therapist together.  Even with Therapist 2, we were still fighting each other and not working together.  I realize now that's because you made up your mind about us.
I know that the move was hard on both of us and I’m sorry.  I thought that by moving here for you, it symbolized that I loved you enough come and as hard as it would be, I would have stayed for you.  I guess that I didn’t realize all of the deep-seeded anger towards me.  I'm sorry that I was not a better person to support you and myself.  I did the best that I could at the time – this move was very difficult for me.  I was lonely, depressed, and isolated.  Maybe I should have went on anti-depressants to help pick me back up.  Perhaps, I treated you as my anti-depressant and that was not fair.  I never blamed you for moving back - I thought that it was clear that we made the decision together.  I helped you look for jobs and I was the one that wanted to come back in November.  I know that you don’t care anymore but I need to tell you that for me, this last conflict with your family was the worst and it made me feel worse about everything in my life.  I struggled with it and it made my depression about Minnesota worse because it was obvious that you didn’t care about me.  When I hit my head on St. Patrick's Day, your lack of concern really surprised me.  For me, I felt that it would be easier if something bad happened to me. Then, you wouldn't have to put up with me anymore.

I never stopped you from going because I could tell that you didn’t care me.  I saw the anger in your eyes.  You needed to go for you.  I’m sorry if that was not clear - it was not about me manipulating you, trying to control you, or stop loving you.  You needed to leave me for you because I could see the contempt you had towards me.  I’m glad that you are finally releasing it, I want you to know that it is okay.  Even as hurtful as it is to me, it is an important process for you.  I looked at you saying “I do not have an urge to be with me” as an angry statement to hurt me.  I did not fully understand that somewhere along the line, you felt like this for a while.  I've been confused for a while since moving back to MN, I felt that I did not know you.  Now, it is obvious that I don't.

This is not drama seeking.  This is life.  We do not always get along with everyone all the time and to think that drama won’t exist in life is unreasonable.  We will lose loved ones for no reason and we will also gain people in our lives for a no reason.  We also will hurt those that we love the most for no reason.  If you can ever forgive me, I want you to know that I am thankful for the loving and unloving experiences.  I am forever grateful for the love that I had felt during the times of happiness, sorrow, and pain.  I accept not only the good times but the hard ones as well as that is what I think a marriage is.

Now that I know why you left, please start telling people who ask about me and/or us.

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