28 June, 2016

Love and Forgiveness - Ready for a Divorce

I’m sorry that I’ve caused you so much anger and that I was not someone that you felt you could be yourself with.  I’m happy that you are now finding your voice but I’m sad because I feel that I don’t know you.

I’m saddened by your hurt and the hurt that you wish upon me.  There will always be a special place for you in my heart even though we will not be part of each other’s lives anymore.  I never thought that we would come to this – losing my best friend and someone I thought would always love me.  It is clear that we cannot be friends.  Friends love each other for you are – imperfections and all.  Misunderstandings, conflict and forgiveness are a part of love.  Your last letter made it very clear that you have not forgiven me.

When we would fight, I shut down because I’m afraid that I don’t know how to control my anger.  I’m sorry that you find me manipulative.  Maybe I am...but what I often feared the most is myself.  Saying things that I couldn’t take back or using physical violence.  I know that I don’t have best skills for conflict.  You are right, we haven't talked about me in therapy.  When we went to Therapist 1, I waited and waited and waited to hear from you.  I was willing to give it six months and I never heard from you but I still stayed.  Not a day went by that I didn't think of you or wanted to say something to you about what was going on.  I wanted to give you your space and it was clear you needed your space.  It was me that contacted Therapist 2 after Therapist 1 said that you were not interested in including me in your counseling, I'm sorry for doing this and trying to control your life.  I understand now that you didn't want me in counseling because you wanted a divorce and didn't know how to tell me.  I guess that I felt that I was working through my ambivalence and I wanted to work on it with you.  In my mind, I felt that we made that commitment with Therapist together.  Even with Therapist 2, we were still fighting each other and not working together.  I realize now that's because you made up your mind about us.
I know that the move was hard on both of us and I’m sorry.  I thought that by moving here for you, it symbolized that I loved you enough come and as hard as it would be, I would have stayed for you.  I guess that I didn’t realize all of the deep-seeded anger towards me.  I'm sorry that I was not a better person to support you and myself.  I did the best that I could at the time – this move was very difficult for me.  I was lonely, depressed, and isolated.  Maybe I should have went on anti-depressants to help pick me back up.  Perhaps, I treated you as my anti-depressant and that was not fair.  I never blamed you for moving back - I thought that it was clear that we made the decision together.  I helped you look for jobs and I was the one that wanted to come back in November.  I know that you don’t care anymore but I need to tell you that for me, this last conflict with your family was the worst and it made me feel worse about everything in my life.  I struggled with it and it made my depression about Minnesota worse because it was obvious that you didn’t care about me.  When I hit my head on St. Patrick's Day, your lack of concern really surprised me.  For me, I felt that it would be easier if something bad happened to me. Then, you wouldn't have to put up with me anymore.

I never stopped you from going because I could tell that you didn’t care me.  I saw the anger in your eyes.  You needed to go for you.  I’m sorry if that was not clear - it was not about me manipulating you, trying to control you, or stop loving you.  You needed to leave me for you because I could see the contempt you had towards me.  I’m glad that you are finally releasing it, I want you to know that it is okay.  Even as hurtful as it is to me, it is an important process for you.  I looked at you saying “I do not have an urge to be with me” as an angry statement to hurt me.  I did not fully understand that somewhere along the line, you felt like this for a while.  I've been confused for a while since moving back to MN, I felt that I did not know you.  Now, it is obvious that I don't.

This is not drama seeking.  This is life.  We do not always get along with everyone all the time and to think that drama won’t exist in life is unreasonable.  We will lose loved ones for no reason and we will also gain people in our lives for a no reason.  We also will hurt those that we love the most for no reason.  If you can ever forgive me, I want you to know that I am thankful for the loving and unloving experiences.  I am forever grateful for the love that I had felt during the times of happiness, sorrow, and pain.  I accept not only the good times but the hard ones as well as that is what I think a marriage is.

Now that I know why you left, please start telling people who ask about me and/or us.

19 June, 2016

He asked for a DIVORCE

I had to type this letter out because more was said in therapy this last time.  I needed to collect my thoughts in a more rationale manner:

Asking for a divorce was a shock to me (and perhaps to Geneva).  I think that it symbolizes the very problem with our marriage.  We struggled to communicate and understand what the other person was saying.  I don’t want to attack you but both Geneva and I were confused – I often felt that when we argued, you got even angrier at me for not understanding what you meant and ultimately you.

This is why after so many times of arguing with you, I felt that I had to shut down.  You would say or do something that completely contradicted something else.  This is why I keep asking for mediated conversations now; I don’t know what to do or how to respond to you anymore. It’s different now.  We can’t keep repeating the same patterns because the underlying problems still exist.  We hit this roadblock by both of us.  It was me that asked for counseling together before you left in March - it was scheduled because I knew that we couldn’t keep living like this.  After you walked out the door, I felt that you made the decision that counselingwas never going to help. We’ve never had counseling before and asking for a divorce and walking away is the easier answer for you.  To be honest, I can’t believe that I have meant so little to you in your life.  The path of least resistance is the easiest.  I don’t to live an unhappy life either but I loved you enough to want to help.

You may never understand why I did/do certain things because I wanted better for you and your life.  You needed to leave me and that’s why I didn’t stop you from walking out the door.  When you left, the easier option for me was to jump on a plane back home.  But I stayed.  While, our marriage may not work out – I stayed because I wanted the best for you.  I want you to be able to work through your issues so that you can live a better life.  I think that you need professional help because I can't help you.  When I read your letter, I still feel sadness that you aren’t happy still and I’m sorry.

I feel like you live in a world of anger and secrets.  Letting secrets fester inside of you for years and letting you live in the world of secrets is easier for you but you will never be happy if you continually hide. Perhaps, I do not know how much hurt and secrecy you have hid from me over the last 13 years.  In the span of our marriage and perhaps your life, you have done the same thing over and over - ignored the problem.  Expecting a different result from yourself, me or from your family is the definition of insanity.  Did you think that anything would get better by doing the same thing over and over again? 

I am saddened by your anger and coldness.  I wished that you would have communicated with me earlier because I do not know what has been driving this deep resentment.  Your anger towards me is evident.  I feel like you blame me for everything that it wrong with your life.  In the last session, it was clear that you do not think highly of me or my relationships.  Pointing the finger at me and telling me that my relationships fail, is not the case.  I have some wonderful people in my life whom have been supportive and love me.  I can’t help but parallel this comment to the one that you mother made about me when you told her about our separation – guilt for not liking her.  Like her, you feel ashamed of me and want to shift the blame to me.

People come and go in our lives - just because certain people aren’t in my life anymore does not mean that my relationships fail.  It’s a part of relationships and that people change.  Telling me that you do not have any friends because I can’t get along with anyone or that people don’t like me is again something that your family would say about me.  I’m sorry that you feel that way but I know better than that.  If not by you, I know that I loved and cared for my many people in my life.

You kept saying that it was never going to work because of our problems, I don't know what the deeper problems of our marriage were.  What I do know is that I'm sorry that you hid that hurt and pain from me for 13 years.  It makes me feel sad that you never felt the strength or courage with me to share your past.  All of this anger towards me might help you feel better if you told me what was wrong.  Some secrets are okay but letting them fester inside of you is damaging to yourself – I was your wife and best friend, I'm sorry because you should have been able to talk to me.

There is a part of me that pretended for you.  I don’t have to do that anymore.  The incessant trying to be perfect for the neighbors is not healthy.  Martial rejection only lasts 12 years, you can find another partner.  Family rejection has lasted your lifetime.  I know that you angry at me for pointing out that your family is not perfect.  Relationships are not perfect and utopian families do not exist.  But it is not okay to not protect your children by pedophiles - I don't care if they are relatives or what the bloody neighbors think.  I don't know if you could ever relate to how much this upset me.  It was okay for you to hate my abusive family but it was not okay for me to recognize the abuse that your family has caused you.  I'm sorry that your family thinks sexual and emotional abuse is okay.

The picture that you drew in your last letter demonstrated that it is clear that you do not want me in your life.  You have pitted me against your family and if this was the case, then why did you ask me to move back?  There was never any support from you to work with your family together.  I was your wife and you could have rested your hand on my shoulder as a sign of support while feeling caught in the middle.  I never asked you to choose - this binary exists because of you.  This is not an attack but my observation of our relationship with your family over the last 13 years.  Your parents raised you to be the man that I fell in love with and I have always been thankful for that.  I’m sorry that your father is ill and I have always cared about them because I cared about you.

I do think that your therapist is right and that you have a dependency problem.  I think that it would be helpful if you sought out CD treatment.  I also think that you might be having some signs of mental instability or mixed affective state.  This is why I asked if you were gay, I feel that you were living a lie with me.  You have hid so much from me and your family.  In seeking treatment, I want you to be able to find what you want out of life.

I don't know exactly how I am feeling – confused, unloved, and lost.  Sometimes, I wish that this would all go away – that we would have stayed in Sydney and pretended that life in Minnesota didn’t exist or moved to Hawaii like we used to talk about.  But we made the decision to come back together so here we are.  Your comment about moving on is right.  But I guess that I need to sort out the present and understand our past in order to think about my future.

14 June, 2016

Second Round, Second Month

I called his therapist up two weeks ago.  She was distant and I was confused.  I thought that she asked us to give it 6 months and then, invite me back to counseling together.  Two months later, I haven't heard from either of them.  She said that it was up to him to want me to come back to therapy together.  So I organized a different therapist because I knew that he was never going to ask.

The first session with the new therapist was the getting to know you session and why are we here.  I  still felt unresolved about everything.  I texted him that I thought that it would be a good idea if we wrote letters to each other about what was discussed in therapy.

This is my letter:

This is the second letter. The first one that I wrote was very angry. I realized that some of things that I wanted to say to you are in retaliation of your coldness. I cannot believe that you keep pulling away from me and 13 years together.

It hurts me because I am losing my best friend. But I also feel like I don't even know who you are anymore - so I don't even feel like we are friends.

I know that you have no urge to be with me. That's okay but I need explanations from you.  If anything I deserve answers. What do you want from me?  Why do you continually want to hurt me?

Even when you talked about about how angry you are of me, the only thing you talked about was your job. Why can't you tell me why are angry with me?  What have I done to elicit such resentment from you?

I know you feel like I am attacking your family.  I don't know if in my heart, we will be able to rebuild a sense of trust. Your family is your life and I have become nothing to you. I don't know if you will ever be able to understand why I became so hurt by you over the years. You never stood up for me or yourself.  Perhaps, knowing that you never would be able to - you never should have married me. Your silence last week haunts me.

Lastly, one of the things that kept us so strong was you. I just wanted to remind you of that and that I miss you.