I'm a mess. I'm done with Korea for a while. It's amazing that just when I think that I'm getting my act together - this last trip to Korea has emotionally exhausted. cHubby's worn down, I can't stop crying, and I can't keep doing this to myself.

On December 26th at 4:30 AM, we got into a car accident on our way to visit my brother. I've been in several car accidents before but this was the most serious. I was sitting in the middle back seat and I was thrown around. My father hit a patch of ice and the car slid out of control. I sprained my knee and fractured my skull. We were admitted into the hospital while I had an MRI and CT scan. Everyone is okay but my father, step mom, and sister also fractured some some bones. cHubby amazingly walked out the accident without a couple of cuts and a bruised knee. Thank God that he was with me because I don't know what I would have done without him. He was the stable person in the family - the one to help feed and clothe us. The stress from the accident and spending time with my family has made me realize that I need to take a break from them.

For the last 5 years, I feel that I've been trying to earn a place in father's life. Maybe I'm just trying too hard. The last couple of times that we've spent with my family, I've just realised how different we are and that no matter how hard I try I don't think that my father understands how difficult it is for me. He doesn't recognize the fact that all I've been trying to do is make up time for the father that I've never had. I find my siblings completely awful and spoiled; yet to me they unknowingly and unintentionally always receive his love and devotion. The unconditional love and devotion that I've been begging for these last 5 years. I'm selfish, I know because I want my father all to myself but I'm come to realize that he'll never do that for me. Even when we first met in 2004, a moment that I believe should have been shared between the two of us - my sister was there. And now that I find both of my siblings rude and intolerable (not only to myself but to cHubby too)....it's just to much to bear.

I told my father this last time that I'm not going to come back to Korea until I feel better about the situation. I may be overwhelmed with stress and emotions from the accident but I'm hurt. I'm hurt beyond reason. I'm hurt because I've tried so hard for the last 5 years to make it work that I was almost fooling myself that I was part of his life. But I'm not and I'm not sure if I ever will be.

Merry Christmas from Korea!

This last weekend was cold. We've been spoiled by Sydney weather. We arrived on the 17th and my father and his girlfriend came to pick us up from the airport! We were very busy the first week. We ended up going to some sort of family meeting and I had to drive home. cHubby and I went to a bathhouse - he went with my father. My father was yelling at my sister and step mom to get up but they wouldn't come. The girlfriend ended up coming to meet us. During the week, we made a day trip to see my mom. This is the second time that cHubby has met her and he ended up meeting my other brother for the first time at her house. She seems to be okay with her new life but maybe struggling with her finances for a while.

On Christmas Day, I wanted to spend some time with my father and he enjoys fishing. We went on a deep sea fishing trip in the ocean - it was FREEZING! My sister also decided that she wanted to come but did nothing but complain and sleep the entire trip. cHubby and I had a nice time.

We've also got to spend some time with my friends whom I miss terribly. Julie, my best friend in Korea is my greatest confidante It's been an interesting trip so far.

Christmas is right around the corner and we leave for Korea soon. Melbourne was great. We got to see the Great Ocean Road, Phillip Island Little Penguins, and meet up with some adoptees. The Great Ocean Road is spectacular. You are amazed at how beautiful the structures are. cHubby and I wondered if Hawaii would have a similar coastline. The flies are a bit pesky and it was a strange that no one really warns you about them. We had fantastic weather. I had a bit too much to drink at Attica so we skipped the Yarra Valley this trip, but we decided to go see these adorable little penguins come in at sunset.

I had my work Christmas party and got into a massive argument with cHubby. It was a combination of the alcohol and stress. I know that he has better manners than most but he still frustrates me. But what couple doesn't get into arguments? After 5 years of marriage, you'd think that I could be more adaptable and less argumentative but it doesn't seem like that's happening.

It's been ages since I've posted anything.

Getting used to work life again, I suppose. I've been looking forward to the trip to Korea and not much new to report. cHubby and I have a couple of trips planned. Going golfing in Newcastle and Melbourne. We decided that we wanted to go sky diving as our Christmas present to eachother.

The adoptee film festival was cancelled. I haven't really heard why but I've also decided that I don't have enough time to plan a KAD social. I've been thinking about our upcoming trip to Korea.

It's official that I'm employed. I decided to take an office job that is located close to where we live. I was fortunate enough to be offered a couple of positions, but cHubby thought that this is the best offer. While in my dozen of interviews, I realized that I should really start focusing more on adoptees in Sydney. I backed out of the Sydney event for a couple of reasons. But when people ask me about my goals in life....they are always centered around international adoption and Korea. I'm hoping to host an informal social BBQ in December for KADs.

It will be good to start working because I spend most of time sleeping. cHubby took me out to Bilson's to celebrate. I called our families in the US; they were delighted about the news. I haven't told anyone that we aren't coming home for Christmas. It's hard because my grandma always ends the conversation with "hurry home". "We'll try", I reply but I know that I'm lying.

I don't know if it's the Australian sun and weather...but I've been in fairly good moods lately. I had one of my usual migraines over the weekend, but it's been a long time since I've had one. Our life has been low stress since we've been here and truth be told, I feel more at ease with myself than I've felt before in my life.

I've been applying to jobs that I do not have any qualifications for. I was thinking that I would like to work for a community organization. I watched the The Girl in the Mirror and I had a small epiphany that I wanted to work in post adoption. While someday in the distance - I would love to go back to school and do a study on post adoption. This is not my path yet. Someday I hope....

So I've turned my back on post adoption, diversity, cross-cultural learning..I've been applying to office jobs; financially I'll need to take one soon. The rest of my time has been sitting in front of the TV watching Korean dramas. I don't know if it is going to improve my Korean, but it has been getting me excited about our upcoming trip. I miss Korea but I am falling in love with the natural beauty of Australia too.

I called my dad and told him that we were coming over Christmas. I think he was excited...I hope he was...

I finally had the chance to see Adopted the Movie. It has been a topic for many adoption boards for the last year and being away from America. I didn't get the chance to see it. I brought it back with me from our trip. I thought that it was okay. I started watching it and within 15 minutes I was going to shut it off. I didn't care for the adoptive parents in the movie and I didn't want to watch it with a bad taste in my mouth. I continued and watching because I have a soft spot for KADs. But then as much as I don't understand adoptive parents...they were real people, not like these crazy adoptive parents. I think that the Gooley's are horrible self-righteous individuals.

Ethiopia is not a signatory to the Hague Convention which requires international adoption be used only as a last resort. So as a result, a completely unregulated industry has grown up. More than 70 agencies operate here, almost half are unregistered. Corruption, fraud and deception are rife.

Sick and wrong. It just reminds me when I was asked discuss ethical international adoption. No such thing exists.