Perfection.

2011 was a long year. I forgot that I like to blog but time and motivation are seemingly factors in my decision to blog or not. I ended 2011 with a lingering idealist review of perfection. I needed to get my PhD timeline perfect. My extended family struggling with the perfect vision of family. I needed to become a perfect me (someone that tells people that she loves them, someone that likes the way they look in a mirror, someone that is a better person). I think that I was struggling that my life is nothing but imperfections. If it was a perfect world and a perfect life, I would not exist. Imperfect love, imperfect country, imperfect family.

I'm learning to be okay with my imperfections. These last couple of years have been emotionally draining and I'm finally think that I'm at a place where I can be okay with that. I'm still angry at Korea, my birth family, my adopted family, and me. A trip back to the US and a breakfast (gay rights over oatmeal?) conversation with my Auntie opened her eyes to my world that she never knew existed. She never knew that I was unhappy or that I'm struggling (she just thought that I need to get over my race issues - which will never happen). We ended the talk with hugs and she asked me if I had a good counsellor. " I know what's wrong with me and I'm not sure how to fix me but I only do the best that I can". Later conversations with other people started with "when am I going to have a family". I always thought that when I hit 30, my biological clock would tick. Yet, no ticking and no babies. I've been told that maybe when I start my family, I will begin to understand that missing part of me that I have been searching for. I'm 30 years old and still feel like a complete mess.

So 2012 will be the year of a better me and all of my imperfections.

Friends - I will always be late but I usually mean well.
Korean Family - I'm hurt and I won't be coming to Korea any time soon.
Adoptive Family - I am racist and I cannot live in Minnesota.
Partner - I'm crazy but I can't control it.
Me - Know your imperfections and know that you will never be perfect. You are a lonely, empty failure.

Catching up with KADs is always fun. I've rekindled my love of KADs as I was getting bogged down with the studies.

Some friends were visiting and had a good conversation at Sydney Madang. Sometimes we can be a bit depressing for "normal" conversation but it could be because I tend to have stronger views than most and my family situation has been messed for a while now. I can't see myself in Korea for a while. I sometimes need to watch what I say because I know that cHubby gets a bit sensitive. And to me it seems like I keep having these hardened resentful feelings that seem appropriate to only talk about with other KADs. My friends were thinking about moving to Korea to establish some relationship with their biofamily and we started talking about birth mothers. Another adoptee said that her feelings were a bit ambivalent and sometimes get criticized for her lack of appreciation for meeting her birthmom. I said that I feel the same way. I don't really have this mystical gratitude towards her just because she gave birth to me and I don't understand why I should. Am I the loyal loving daughter that she wants? No. But was she the mother that she should have been?

She loved me enough to have me but she didn't love me enough to keep me.

cHubby later told me that his heart sank when he heard me say that. My heart breaks a little bit when I think about it too.

First post of the year. The PhD has really killed my mojo.....and I've had a rough couple of months.

Having this last birthday has been really difficult. I've made a decision to stop communication with my birth family until I feel better about the situation. I will post later when I feel up to it.

Just had a few nights off to watch some TV. SBS Go Back Where You Came From where six ordinary white middle class Australians live with, and like, refugees and then go back to their average Ozzie life.

I have to write about this show and how I love SBS. I also love listening to the Ozzies....I'm don't like African people. WTF. The fact that the government and the military call refugees "boat people" is absolutely ridiculous.

I have to backdate my posts because I have been a bad blogger. I just realised that when I was posting, I was entering the dates in incorrectly and they came up as 3 December. I have now fixed it - it is really the little things that I mess up. Living in Australia has taken a toll on my competencies. I now say arvo and when I look at a date, I have to think about what it actually means as my outlook calender in American standardization.

The weekend was great. Surf Camp was loads of fun and at the end I think that I was getting the hang of it. I was standing for a bit on the mini waves that we were catching.

The friends that we went with were fun. I'm pretty exhausted today but it was great to see personal improvement. I think that I drank about a gallon of dirty ocean water as I was just getting pounded by the waves. Soft boards for me only!

Christmas is early.

Thanksgiving completely slipped my mind this year. It has been very busy at work and then my cousin Patrick was here for business from the UK. We spent a few nights with him walking around Sydney and giving him a glimpse of our life. We have not seen each other since 2006 and it was a nice time to catch up. Luckily he had amazing weather and right when he left, the rain started pouring down. It rains a lot in Sydney. I've been noticing the weather now the longer that we have been here. I have concluded that it rains twice as much down here than in the US - which isn't very nice but at least we don't get the snow - which is very nice.

I like my job and it is nice that I have a friend at work. I love the fact that I get to sleep in and I have flexible working arrangements - except that I get to work much later than my previous jobs so I tend to take later breaks. I forgot to call on Thanksgiving and I disappointed my Grandma as she was expecting my call. With the time-zone changes and my new hours, many things have been slipping my mind and I don't really have an excuse. I could feel the disappointment in her voice which was sad. I talked to Patrick quite a bit about family obligations and how is is getting harder to try to please everyone. But you have to do what is best for you.

I am trying to lose weight (a never ending story) and heading to the gym. We are in much better shape than 1-2 years ago - heading to the gym more as I am no longer taking Korean classes. I just hope that we will be able to continue this routine once I start my PhD in February. This weekend we are away at "Learn to Surf Camp" with 6 other friends. It will be a really good time but the weather is looking cold and rainy. Surfing is supposed to be very good exercise. It seems like too much work for me as I am a bit lazy. I just hope that I don't hurt myself or hit my head on the board as the waves come crashing in.

We did have a meal with our lovely ex-neighbors in Manly. Thanksgiving Burritos.

Just got back from the US and received one of the most important emails of my life today.

Congratulations! You have been awarded an International Postgraduate Research Scholarship (IPRS) at UNSW for commencement in semester 1 2011.

I haven't told anyone besides cHubby that I have applied to go back for my PhD. I received an offer to the PhD program at UNSW in August but I was reluctant to say anything. I don't know if I'll be able to complete it or what about our finances. cHubby says that he happy for me to continue school even if it means that we will have to budget more aggressively. And then I got the email that I will be a Scholarship Student. I can't believe it. I just kept staring at the screen and I wanted to tell the world, but didn't know who to tell.

I will be starting in February. I have a long ways to go but I am super keen to get involved with Korean Adoptees in Australia. I have based my research topic on Korean Australian Adoptees.

The trip to the US was too short but good. It would be nice to come home more often. The birthday party for Grandma was a success and we were pleased with the TV that we decided to get her. I wish that we had more time with friends in DC and Iowa as they were both a quick 24 hours. cHubby and I spent quite a bit of time with our sides of the family and so I didn't have to stay overnight with the in-laws. There were a couple of moments where we recognised that it is nice that we live far away as constant family drama isn't worth it. I feel bad for cHubby as I think that he realises that he's very different from his family and it seems like he doesn't feel like he gets along with them anymore. Of course he loves them, but the happiness that he feels isn't reciprocated.

Our flight to the US on United and their crappy service was delayed 3 times and cancelled twice. Which meant that we were sitting at the airport for over 24 hours. When we asked for a cab ride home, we were denied and only given a hotel room in a crappy Holiday Inn. We had to call the US because the United customer service in Oz closed at 5PM. The drama escalated and when finally given a flight, I was told that I was on a do not fly list (I may have caused a little scene). *sigh* The airlines can just bend you over. It wasn't even an "act of God" that our flight was delayed - it was due to their crappy planes and a mechanical problem. Luckily, cHubby mended things with the manager and we got on our flight.

With all of the stress of the trip, I was tired and cHubby was sick. I don't get to see my friends very often and delaying my flight by 2 days meant that I was delaying a lot of time with my friends. Coming back to Sydney is always makes you a little homesick but we have decided to stay here for a few more years and see how it goes. The only way that we would move back to the US is if we were going to raise a family. And I come back thinking about all of the great friends that I have in the US and I miss that. I miss have friends that we can share a good joke, have some wine, and laugh at cHubby with.