22 April, 2016

Session 101

The 101 of processing everything and I'm still torn.  Sometimes love is just not enough to stay in a marriage. Talking to people helps quite a bit to sort out all of the in-between feelings.  I lean one way - it is over.  Then, I lean the other way - it could work out.  I was reminded by a family member the vows of marriage and perhaps to stay positive that we can work it out.

It was nice to see him.  He looks tattered, soul destroyed, and depressed.  He immediately said that he felt emotionally checked out of the marriage but then he spoke of his depression and not feeling anything.  He's checked out of everything, not just us, and I need to remind myself that.  He's so emotionally distraught.  We were in a no-contact period to try to see if he could sort his emotions, identity and sense of self out alone.  Except, he's not sleeping, not enjoying life and all of the things he used to love.  He said that he feels lost without me.  I used to do everything for him.  I wanted to make his life better but what I was doing was destroying who he was.  I created us and DH lost himself.  Even now, my heart breaks because he is so confused, unhappy and lost.  I'm worried about him, he desires to be lonely.  I think he needs to know that other people care about him and us.  If you see him, he needs a hug.  

I told the therapist that 90% of our arguments developed from my resentment and anger in his unassertive behaviors regarding his family.  He told the therapist that he's has a lot of built of anger towards me and my negativity about life.  She asked us to give it six months.  This means that I have to stay if I want to help him and/or put my marriage first.  But what happens after these six months - what if I put my life on hold and it's still not going to work out.  I know trauma, he may never be able work through some of his issues.   It's taken me years to process my own identity, imperfections, and issues.  For me, I want to move on - I'm angry at him for leaving me.  For us, I need to stay - I still love him.

The therapist suggested that she work through the notions and boundaries of enmeshed relationships.  She said that the only way for DH to get better is if he understands himself and his own happiness.  He said that he doesn't know how he can have his family and me in his life - he can't imagine what that would look like.  He can only see his family in his life.  Because of my own issues with my family, I kept pushing DH to foster his familial relationships but at the same time, I constantly critiqued the emotional abuse within his family.  I needed him to be close with his family to fulfill my own issues - even though I knew that there was something majorly wrong in his family.  We should have sought help together earlier, now it feels non-repairable with so many years of resentment.  I often tell people that DH hates me (I know it's not really me), he hates it that I don't love his family like he does.  This has been killing his consciousness for over 12 years. 

I said that I love this man more than anyone else in the world, but he is so unhappy and he will always be unhappy if he is not honest with himself and comes to terms with who he needs to be.  Part of me is still so confused.  The only reason I'm here is because of DH (I'm without friends and a career).  Now, that DH doesn't know what he wants, I feel that I need to move on with my life.  Maybe, I'm so hurt that he left.  I look back on our marriage - why did I ever get married in the first place?  Because I knew that he loved me more than I thought it was possible to love someone.  While he still loves me, we have both come to the conclusion that perhaps for our own happiness - we just can't stay married.  And unfortunately, this is a lose-lose situation because we really did bring out the best in each other.  I grew to love him just as much as he loved me.  And now, we are just not happy with our relationship towards each other.

I will take these next six months in stride.  If anything, I will stay for him so that he will find happiness even if that means that our marriage is over.  He's a fantastic person who has supported me through some rough periods over the last 12 years.  To not stay would be a disservice to him and to the last 11 years of marriage.   

07 April, 2016

This Marriage is Over

I'm having one of those - holy sh*t, this has been going on for years and I should have seen it coming type of day.  The wanderlust is settling in and I'm about to head on holiday.  I didn't sleep well last night.  I love him with all my heart and I hope that he knows that I would always be there in the arena with him as his supporter.  You need honest, loving people on your side in that area.

But if asked the reverse, I don't know if he has the courage to be in the arena with me.  The more and more I talk to my friends, I think the more and more I realize that this marriage is over.  I'm second-guessing our entire relationship.  I don't even know if he ever loved me.  Because it doesn't make sense to me that he even could love me given his lack of emotionality.  He is so desperately needing the desire of attention, not love.

Coming to terms with loss and tragedy, I mentioned the need to feel alive again by rekindling and seeking this relationship with his parents.  He's trying to understand, "Is this it?" and "Isn't there more?"  By leaving me, he's terrified and drawn to the incompleteness that he has so desperately wanted his entire life.  He's guilty for hurting me but not guilty for leaving.  By leaving me, it's not necessarily me that he's turning away from - he's running away from the person he has become.  He's looking for another self or even searching for a sense of self.  He has shut down - he is not okay with being vulnerable.

The other woman is his family.  It is a fantasy with a secret relationship, emotional connection and sexual alchemy.  MIL is an emotional vampire, starving love and terrorizing guilt.  He gives her the power.   This is horrible to write - but in my heart of hearts, I know that she is happy that he left me.  She can fake sympathy and she is mentally unstable.  I don't know if he ever made any healthy attachments as a child - the family "joke" was that no one wanted to hold him besides Grandma.  I want to scream at him and tell him that this is not who you need to turn to.  He needs to find himself and not be caught up by the games of his family.  Because when his parents leave him,  he will be in a dark place that he may not recover from.  His shame and their guilt will corrode his happiness and his soul.  He will never know that their inability to love has nothing to do with him.

This marriage is over.  The only way we could ever be together again is if we decide to make a new marriage.

04 April, 2016

Too Good to Leave - Too Bad to Stay

It's okay to fail at marriage.  I never know where anyone gets true statistics but it is customarily thought that 1-2 marriages end in divorce. But perhaps those that stay in marriage shouldn't.  I never knew what would happen in my marriage.  I never really believed in the institution of marriage - but at 23, I was in love and he wanted to spend the rest of life with me.

 It's funny what the mind remembers.  He left in a hurry, he lost emotional control and he was ashamed.  After he left, I briefly spoke to him on the phone to see if you made it and if he was okay.  He was on the on the phone cancelling our trip.  The last thing I remember saying was, "are you doing this to aggravate the situation?"  The last thing I remember him acrimoniously saying was that he didn't want to be with me anymore.  But he was also confused and that he could change him mind in a hour.  He obviously didn't change his mind when I called and wanted to sort out the financial consequences.  Was I worried about his emotional guilt, absolutely.  Did I think he was going to change his mind, I think part of me wanted him to.  I wonder what he thought about in his 2 hour drive.    

It's been about a week of no-contact and we have about two weeks to go before therapy.  I wonder what the therapist will say when she sees that we've started to process ourselves.  We both agreed that it seems broken.  Usually by the time that the couple admits a problem, it's already too late and a separation is necessary.  As the pit stop before divorce, I wonder how these next weeks are going to pan out. We were so dependent on each other that the no-contact feels like its been ages but at the same time makes me more relaxed.  I miss my friend but it's okay.

It took my husband leaving me and telling me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore for me to realize that I'm f*cking okay.  Perhaps, I'm not as negative as what he makes me out to be.  I don't think that I'm an emotional vampire.  I know he thinks that I'm negative because I express anger and complaining.  But at least I express my emotions to move on.  I remember him saying that he always thinks about how unhappy I was.  I'm okay with who I am - yeah I lose my temper and I whinge about things but it is our imperfections that make human.  It's once we start to control or hide our imperfections that we lose sight of relationships, positiveness, and life.

Enter loneliness.  Not working and feeling socially isolated has taken a toll on me so I'm looking forward to a holiday with my girlfriend.  But the crazy part is that today was my best day this week.  I woke up feeling refreshed.

01 April, 2016

To My Narcissistic Self

I'm beginning to question if I am a narcissist.  The denial that one is not narcissistic is usually a sign of a narcissist.

I will fully admit I'm selfish.  I can see when a lot my actions are perceived narcissistic - I value my self-worth.  I also spend a lot of defending my self-worth.  I also spend a lot of time blaming DH and myself.  It doesn't make it easier to know that you do it because it still hurts people.  When you are married to someone that can't or won't support you, you learn to hold your own by yourself.  His non-actions speak louder than words.  Did DH wanted to put me in these hostile situations with his parents because he doesn't care?  I find it sad that he knowingly puts himself into this negative space.  Is it okay to get upset at the lying, the guilt, the shame, the exclusion, the energy and emotional drain?  My actions speak louder than his words.  I will not accept this abuse and I thought that I was doing the right thing by defending DH.  When he is hurt, I would not put up with it.  Deep down, though - he doesn't care that I care.  He wants to sweep the hate under the rug but I can't.  When you are with someone for 12 years and they hate your inner soul, you begin to question your sense of self.  He called me a vapid human being and a narcissist - am I the mean person?  I thought he left me because I hate mean people but did he leave because I should hate me instead?  Maybe I'm selfish that way but I feel that I am worth more than that.

It feels like I'm the worst person in the world by caring and getting upset.  The ILs treat us like shit and he goes running back as if they are the best people in the world.  Every time we would leave a crazy IL situation, he tells me that he still have fun.  It's almost laughable because I feel like I grew up with his parents.  I know what to expect - a mother mentally unstable, a militarized father disconnected from the world.  That's why it's hard - I can see the abuse and the guilt.  I don't live with that shame anymore but he still does.  
As my husband, I don't know if he can support me.  I cannot remember the last time that I felt that he wanted to help me from their hurt.  Will it hurt when he says ex-wife or will he be relieved?  As sad as it makes me as my ex-husband, maybe we can be friends again and move on from the hurt.  I need to look out for me.  Perhaps, I'm okay with this separation because non-actions are louder than words.  Maybe he was driven by my miserableness because it reminded him of his parents?  Maybe I was driven by his miserableness towards me - I was seeking conflict to keep the conversation about myself.

It's okay for me to love me.  I know he loved me too in his own way.  Maybe someone else will find my jokes funny, see me as kind, and stand up for who I am.  Perhaps, he needs someone that won't be able to understand the hostility from the ILs and who will just smile and nod.  I'm not that type of partner and I never will be.  Perhaps, it is my selfishness again but I want to be happy. I need more.